Feeling very dispirited to do with weight gain and ‘anorexic’ thoughts. All I want to do is lose. It was a huge huge deal to reach BMI13, and now I’m over it. I got up to 36.8kg, but am down to 36.6kg. I know I shouldn’t do it, but I can’t help myself: I’m going to look up to what BMI I am.
Okay, it’s 13.4. And at my highest it was also 13.4 (they round stupidly).
So that’s not as bad as it could be.
It’s been a tough few days. The ‘Big Day’ is a big deal for lots of people, particularly for those with eating disorders due to the obsession with food. In a way, for me, it isn’t too bad actually; I don’t eat at all so I’m exempt, no one stares at how many nuts I pull from the nut roast, how much skin I remove from the potatoes, forgo gravy, brandy butter, alcohol. I just have my ensures same as usual.
It’s been hard for different reasons. I’ve been anxious about it for ages. but I didn’t really realise why. I still don’t, to be honest. But I’ve been a lot more anxious than I realise. I threw up from pure anxiety for the first time in about six years. Lying on the floor with Popoki and I suddenly realised I was going to vomit, so I grabbed her bowl. Gross. Quite a few other occasions when I have very nearly managed to throw up, but stopped myself.
I’ve stopped the overnight feeding. I was on 200ml a night (350kcal a night) but I can’t cope with it. It’s too much. I’m just desperate. I need to lose weight. I’m not sure whether it’s coincided with the season or not, and I’m feeling very guilty about the potential increased panic mode for my parents (although I’m not really sure they’ve noticed much to be honest), but it’s irresistible. The pull is jut there. Sitting here now, I am full. I don’t want any more. I am done for the night. Yet, in about two minutes time I have to 170ml of apple juice. I don’t need it. Well, maybe I do, but I don’t want it.
Loads more to say, but I’m meant to having family time: mother and father, brother and partner who I all love so much. My gran has gone back to her flat. I truly hope that they had good christmases. I have the normal anxieties about good enough presents and whether I actually like the things they give me (it’s okay: I’m a good actor), and what/who I’m going to pass the unwanted ones on to.
So much to say. I need to write more regularly. I feel pretty ill at the moment (headaches and gut) but assuming that’s to do with anxiety. Despite the unpleasantness, I’d like it to continue; feeling ill makes it much harder for people to make you take nutrition.