So, it’s the Bank Holiday after the festive period, although New year is coming up soon.
It was so lovely to have Mr Linguist and Ms Granger over for a whole two days. I always worry about having them here due to awkwardness; it’s okay, on the whole, but there are awkward moments. I want something that doesn’t exist. We used to be so close; we saw each other all the time, and we had so much to talk about. But particularly with Mr Linguist, I just don’t know what to say. I don’t think he ever wants to be here; he’d rather be in Cambridge with his mates. Ms Granger seems to enjoy(?) it more, and at least the conversation flows.
I asked Mr Linguist whether Ms Granger actually liked coming here. He acted very awkwardly indeed, and said something along the lines of : ‘You can’t ask something like that after all this time.’ So, my interpretation is that since he didn’t say ‘no,’ that means it’s a yes.
It makes me really sad. I know people grow up and have their own lives and stuff, but it leaves me with a gaping hole. I haven’t grown up. I don’t have a life. If I did, I’d feel the loss less, because I’d have friends and societies and clubs and places to go etc etc. But I don’t.
I do some stuff. I volunteered from 08:30-13:30 at a homeless shelter, but what does that really mean? Once a year giving a little. It’s hypocritical: people are in need all year. Homeless for a life, not just for Christmas. And part of me would like to do something more regularly, but then I have this self-imposed rule that I won’t go out of the house.
I love them, don’t get me wrong, but I wish they loved me more. That’s not fair: of course they love me, and I know that. But they can’t relate to me. We can’t have a proper relationship. Ms Granger had to follow me up to the bathroom
There’s too much to write in one post, and I kind of want to keep each post on a theme, so I guess I’ll stop there.
Mr Linguist, just between me and this blog, I am so so sorry that I have ruined your chance to have a proper relationship with your sister. I never meant to deprive you of that.