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Stupid Dates

Sorry for the absence; it’s been a weird and difficult few days.

I guess I should’ve known that my

birthday

would bring up all sorts of stuff for me. About inadequacy. Failure. Lost chances. Regrets. Memories. Comparisons.

It’s been tough, I’ll admit. I feel like I shouldn’t feel like this; I know that it’s just a stupid day out of another 365 (leap year this year!), but I can’t help it. Particularly because of the number. A quarter of a century. And what do I have to show for it? A child’s body, but scarred all over from head to toe (literally). I know I look disgusting. But that’s all there is of me.

Beneath the exterior, there’s nothing left.

I’ve gone.

I am this totally vacuous person, slave to my eating disorder. Even when I’m not directly thinking about it, it effects me, because my cognition is so poor, that I don’t really have any other thoughts. I’m an empty vessel, filled only by my ED. If that were to go, what would be left?

I have no idea.

And that’s one of the big maintaining factors for my ED.

Basically, I still have an ED because I am scared of who I’d be without it. I haven’t been an adult without an ED, I’ve only been a child without one. I’d be a totally new person.

And what would happen to me? I’d have to live somewhere else, get a job, reenter society. Have a life.

And, quite honestly, I don’t want to.

I’m too scared.

Every time that I’ve tried to push away from my ED, I have never had the courage to really do that final push, and jump off that cliff into the abyss, just trusting that it will be all right. Every time that I’ve tried to make changes, there’s been a contingency plan. I have never tried wholeheartedly. Ever. I’ve been through the motions, but inside I wasn’t trying at all. People thought I was, but it wasn’t true. I’m just a very practised liar. People see what I want them to.

So, where does that leave me?

It leaves me with three options:

  1. Continue as I am, which will eventually mean death.
  2. Kill myself, because at least it would get it over with.
  3. Try, and actually try, to do something different.

I hate the world sometimes. (But that’s unfair. It’s not the world’s fault. So, I guess I hate myself).

 

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Author:

Just a 25 year-old-English-gal trying to make her way through life, with all its ups and downs. I don't necessarily publish anything massively personal because I worry about triggering people big time, but if anyone has questions or memes they'd like me to do, then I'm up for it!

5 thoughts on “Stupid Dates

  1. I connect so much with how hard it is to be afraid to be anybody else but an Anorexic. There is a beautiful, interesting person hiding beyond the chaos that your eating disorder brings. You probably know this already but your level of commitment must be deflected on to some thing else in your life. I know when I was at my worst I had no vision, no dreams, no goals. Life was meaningless because I didn’t put much effort into finding out more about it. Having a focus that is not your Eating disorder has helped me come from a BMI of 13 -16 for most of my life and I have been a stable BMI if 19/20 in the last 4 years. There is not a day I don’t think about my weight but somehow I have learned to turn down the sound of the thoughts. If you had one last day to live what would you want to do? Waht would you want people to think about you/ what would you have wanted to accomplish. It makes me so sad to see you write you hate yourself. Hate Anorexia not you xx keep on fighting.

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  2. Please don’t harm yourself, you’re an amazing person because you are human. Each and everyone is special. I’m sorry you’re going through pain right now, but I promise it will get better 🙂 xxx

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  3. Well….I’m going to jump in right here and say, look, you really don’t have to commit to anything, except for not self harming. That’s just off the table, pun intended.

    But I think it’s unrealistic to say, I’m going to jump off that ED cliff and I’m going to eat like “normal” people and I’m not going to obsess about getting on the scale at least three times a day and I’m not going to keep a running total of calories and, and….oh, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Laura, I became a restrictive anorexic at age twelve, and fifty years later I am neither fat nor thin, but I always, always know exactly how many calories I have consumed and therefore how many more I am allowed. I still consider food as medicine.

    Food as medicine??? What an odd thought. But it is a true one. If you had a life threatening illness, you would probably take medicine to treat it. Notice I said TREAT, not CURE. Because EDs can’t be cured, but they can be treated. And we’re the ones who have to do the treating.

    Back when all I ever wanted was to disappear, if someone had told me I had a disease I would have…disappeared.

    But actually, who cares? The point is that you don’t have to do this all at once. You can decide to dabble your toes in the waters of a cup of soup that you really like. Maybe some crackers with that. Don’t just cram it down because you’re actually eating. Pay attention to the taste, the texture. If you enjoy it, continue. If not, there are always the prescribed sources of calories and nutrients….I don’t know what your program is.

    My point is that food is medicine not only for the nutrients it has, but also for the senses, also for the soul.

    For an anorexic like me, food is a homeopathic medicine: like cures like. To be entirely truthful, there are only two foods I really enjoy: ice cream, and vegetable soup. Not at the same time, though 😛

    Aside from that, any other intake is purely for the sake of maintaining physical existence. Sort of grim, eh?

    So I’ve taken up a lot of space on your blog to tell you, you don’t have to “do or die.” As long as you have carers who make sure that you get what you need to stay alive and make progress, you can start dabbling your toes in the sacred secret spring of Food As Medicine.

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    1. Thank you so much for your long and considered reply. It really means a lot that you’ve taken so much time to write for me; I feel privileged for the time you have taken. Thank you.

      I’ve heard the ‘food as medicine’ thing before, and that’s one way I manage anything (the other being staying alive for my parents.)

      I totally understand what you mean about it doesn’t have to be ‘do or die.’ I know that in theory, but it doesn’t FEEL like that. It feels like I have to do one or the other properly – this half life I’m living is worse than either sounds. I do live with my parents rather than hospital anymore (5 1/2 years later) but I still have 24 hour care. 12 hours I have carers in the house, and the other 12 are down to my parents. I haven’t eaten solid food in six years or so, and I live (if you call it living) on liquids i.e. fortified drinks. Could be worse – I’ve been on the tube for years, so this is a step up at least. I’m not sure how food the soul gets from ensure… 😛

      Anyway, thank you so much for your response. It means so much to me, and I will keep it in my heart to read again when I might me able to take more action on it.

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