Jodie thinks I’m an attention seeker. She’s right, as well. She’s seen me a lot this week, and I feel like she’s the first one of my support workers to look behind the walls and see me as I truly am.
She was with me for Cribs on Tuesday, and I think she knew that I was half-faking my panic attack.
I took 400mg of Alison’s thyroxin on Thursday and was told that symptomatically nothing was likely to happen until 48 hours later. Jodie was with me 8-2pm, then 5-11pm. I was basically acting like a bit of a drunk. It was so much fun. I had energy, I wanted to run and turn around in circles and I wasn’t scared. I actually did run most of the way across the field, and I didn’t collapse.
But if I hadn’t been told the affects were after 48 hours, would I have acted like that?
Alison thinks it was entirely psychosomatic, and I certainly know that some of it was. Joe thinks it was a bit of both, which is kind of him.
But I think Alison’s right.
And Jodie knows it too. The second time I was spinning wildly, she was very firm with me and told me to stop. When I didn’t, she walked off, and I stopped, like a little kid – I just wanted it for attention. She knew that. She said after that she knew her walking away would stop me.
And now, today, I had a really melancholy moment (eyes filled with tears) and she completely blanked me. I dunno whether it was real or not (I think it was), but she obviously knows how fake I am.
She’s seen through my walls. I haven’t had anyone like that for a while. Estelle and Carol did. Alain did. Does Hugh? Probably – I’m not sure I know him well enough. And I’m never sure with Joe and Alison. I think that they do know, but they don’t want to admit it, because then our lives for the last 8-9 years have been a total lie. They’d rather have an ill daughter than one who is a liar.