Posted in Private Diary, Uncategorized

Sunday 6th March 2016 – Being Found Out.

Jodie thinks I’m an attention seeker. She’s right, as well. She’s seen me a lot this week, and I feel like she’s the first one of my support workers to look behind the walls and see me as I truly am.

She was with me for Cribs on Tuesday, and I think she knew that I was half-faking my panic attack.

I took 400mg of Alison’s thyroxin on Thursday and was told that symptomatically nothing was likely to happen until 48 hours later. Jodie was with me 8-2pm, then 5-11pm. I was basically acting like a bit of a drunk. It was so much fun. I had energy, I wanted to run and turn around in circles and I wasn’t scared. I actually did run most of the way across the field, and I didn’t collapse.

But if I hadn’t been told the affects were after 48 hours, would I have acted like that?

Alison thinks it was entirely psychosomatic, and I certainly know that some of it was. Joe thinks it was a bit of both, which is kind of him. 

But I think Alison’s right.

And Jodie knows it too. The second time I was spinning wildly, she was very firm with me and told me to stop. When I didn’t, she walked off, and I stopped, like a little kid – I just wanted it for attention. She knew that. She said after that she knew her walking away would stop me.

And now, today, I had a really melancholy moment (eyes filled with tears) and she completely blanked me. I dunno whether it was real or not (I think it was), but she obviously knows how fake I am.

She’s seen through my walls. I haven’t had anyone like that for a while. Estelle and Carol did. Alain did. Does Hugh? Probably – I’m not sure I know him well enough. And I’m never sure with Joe and Alison. I think that they do know, but they don’t want to admit it, because then our lives for the last 8-9 years have been a total lie. They’d rather have an ill daughter than one who is a liar.

Wouldn’t anyone?

 

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Author:

Just a 25 year-old-English-gal trying to make her way through life, with all its ups and downs. I don't necessarily publish anything massively personal because I worry about triggering people big time, but if anyone has questions or memes they'd like me to do, then I'm up for it!

2 thoughts on “Sunday 6th March 2016 – Being Found Out.

  1. I don’t know what to say. I’m sure your family would prefer you to be well than a so called liar. You acted the way you did for some reason be it attention and that in itself puts a negative tone on your mental health in general. Negative mental health- attention seeking behaviour or not is not positive mental health and doesn’t promote mental well-being. I think you realised what you did and you have made a massive step to admit it to yourself and on your blog. Don’t be ashamed. Be proud for owning your feelings 🙂 Hope this makes sense

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    1. Thanks for saying so. I feel like such a disgusting person. It’s like this private thing that only I know – I’m not really ill. Everyone just thinks that way and I’m waiting to be found out. I’ve told people I’m not unwell, but no one believes me. They say it’s my ‘illness.’

      But what if I’m just like that? I don’t want to be an attention seeker? I hate attention seekers. Which would mean that I hate myself. And I certainly do. Does that mean…

      I haven’t got a clue what it means. All I know is that I’m a fraud and it has ruined everybody’s lives. I wish I hadn’t been born. If I died now, people would be upset. But if I’d never been born, then no one would care, would they?

      Sorry, I’ve rambled. Thanks for being nice. But I think you’re wrong. Being an attention seeker is just something little kids do. It shouldn’t be encouraged; it should be ignored. It’s nothing to do with mental health. It’s just means I’m like a leach.

      But, thank you. You always take the time to comment, and I really admire you xx

      Like

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