And here I am again! Keeping going, despite intense feelings of apathy and self hatred. Sometimes I get confused between the two. Does anyone else get that, or is it just me?
Family? Who you want them to be. Obviously you can’t change your biological family, but you can choose who you call family. And it changes throughout your life I guess. When you’re young, your family is your nuclear family and really important; some people are closer to their extended family, or that could happen later in life. Maybe you get married and then have kids, and they are now your main family. You can have lots of families. Adoptive families. Friends that are so close they’re family. People who are family by blood that you’ve never met? Call them family if you like. It’s a choice. Everyone says ‘you can’t choose your family.’ You can’t technically change your family; you can change your attitude.
It was so bizarre after yesterday, writing about how much my brother avoids us. Then I suddenly got told the good news that they’re staying with us for Christmas. What the hell?!?! I’m not sure it’ll even happen. I can’t imagine them wanting to be here. I said it was because they probably just felt obligated to. A and J (my mum and dad) agreed with me, which was sort of upsetting.
But then they were like: why is that upsetting? You do have obligations to family. They’re coming to us out of obligation and that’s okay? Doesn’t feel okay to me.
Like I said earlier in the post: people should choose their families. My brother had chosen to have their partner’s family as more important. It tears me apart, but I know how important she is to them, but I accept their decision.
And now they’re suddenly coming here? I don’t understand.
I wouldn’t want to be at our place for Christmas. We’re a depressing lot. I know I should just be grateful, but…
I don’t want people seeing us out of obligation or pity. I want people to see us/me because they want to. Otherwise, it feels… ugh. Can’t explain.
Anyway. There’s my take on family. What do you think family is?
(If people are confused, remember my brother is non-binary gender, so I use they rather than he. It’s confusing for me too!)